|Ready to take make myself a priority.|
Hey Lovelies, it's my birthday. 35th birthday to be exact. I am a full on 30-something. I know a lot of ladies get bummed out about getting older, but I really do love my 30's despite what I'm about to share. I found focus in my business in my 30's, I married the love of my life, I quit my day job and for the first time ever made design my whole career, I saw Hawaii for the first time thanks to the generosity of friends and family, I have met and helped some of the most wonderful women through fashion, I watched my beautiful niece turn 1 yrs old, and I handed over a fashion week I created to someone who can carry it on into the future and in turn met one of my favorite fashion designers, Betsey Johnson. It was an amazing year.
It was a blessed year- it was also a year of much struggle for me, of painful truths, and lots of hard lessons. At the beginning of this year (2014) I have had to face something about myself that I have always known, but like a lot of folks I have chosen to ignore, I don't take care of myself. I don't really know how effectively, I have tried. And the hardest thing for me to face is that I have depression- untreated, all my life. It is hard to see with me because I am ALWAYS working, always sewing, designing, organizing, and often seem in good spirits or at the very least productive. Not what you would picture the stereotypical "depressed" person looks like. Which speaks to a broader issue with our (societies) views of mental health- our lack of understanding it. Like most artists my creativity and vision seems to motivate me to move out of bed in the morning, but it isn't without struggle and my head though full of exciting ideas can be a dark place to reside.What I realize is that I am the depressed equivalent of a functional alcoholic. It is easy to do this in your 20's, but as you get older it takes a harder toll on you and it starts to become more obvious to you and your loved ones. I can tell you it's not all just chemical for me and a lot of it is residual from a challenging first few chapters of life. Like most survivors I have bitch slapped adversity all my life. But it's exhausting, and I am burnt out. When you burn out, you do things to revive yourself and get you back to your feisty warrior status. My problem, I have spent my life skipping that whole "training to be a warrior" and went straight to warrior. So that is great in all, but when you train for things you learn more about yourself and your limits and how to overcome them and how to take care of yourself after failures and not let them take you down into dark places and most importantly how to enjoy a victory and own it. When you're thrust into warrior status at young age, you are stunted later on and often miss these important things. I know it's weird that I use these "warrior"metaphors. It probably speaks volumes about me. I believe I have a warrior spirit, I think lots of us do. I have accepted that and that I may never be the zen yoga girl who is all peace and love and can actually meditate for an hour in the morning (that shit is hard). But I do need to allow myself to experience joy and be in the moment- relaxation without guilt! It may sound nutty, but this shit is hard for me.
Whoa, ok so that was hard to share. I don't talk a lot about real personal stuff on this blog. I don't do it with people I don't know well. I don't want to appear weak. Here's the thing, I am broadcasting this because I don't want my self-imposed burden of trying to appear like I got it all together and am this fabulous designer (I am fabulous though lol) anymore. I want to be released of these ridiculous restraints I have placed on myself and be free to figure out how the hell to take care of myself and who I am. Not as a designer, or as a wife, or as a sister, or as a daughter- I have done a lot of work on those things- but who I am to myself. And how to love and care for myself while dealing for the first time my depression. This is the year of self. And if any of this sounds like you, I encourage you to do it to- take a year to really take care of yourself. It looks different for everyone. I don't know that a lot of us know how to care for ourselves we aren't taught how to do this. Especially as women- we are taught how to care for others, how to put others before us, and that's not completely wrong, but it can be damaging.
So this blog might change a bit, and oddly enough keeping up on it for me IS self care, because I enjoy it. I don't do resolutions because my birthday is so close to the new year, what I do is wishes & goals for my birthday year. I am moving into the next chapter of my life, and for the first time I realize I'm not alone. Like seriously not alone, I have the most amazing man by my side and family and friends. And you, are you with me? Do you need a year of self?
I started to think of a list of things of things to work on, but honestly I don't know where to start- like I said- this is kinda new to me and the few attempts I have made have not gone well. I want this year to become part of my entire landscape. A foundation for the next chapters of my life. I know fitness is gonna be high on the list. So I think I will just start with a commitment to my health.
Anyway, weird post I know, but this is my birthday gift to myself. I am interested in knowing how you practice self care. Hit me up!